My spouse has been waking up alot.. with Chloe in the middle of the nite.. when she cranks up at nite.. for i’ve been so exhausted of late.. because of Chloe’s illness and my Aunt Flo and it’s like almost every nite now.. when Chloe starts cranking up…… my spouse would automatically get up.. put on his jeans.. and his t-shirt.. and carry the monitor outta the room..or turn it off.. and go pick Chloe up.. to eat feed her .. console her.. or to change her diaper. I couldn’t even muster enough strength or will .. to wake up for Chloe! Isn’t that bad or wat..???
Now my dad… i see him once a year..??? maybe..?? sometimes..???? donch get me wrong.. he ain’t dead.. he was just never home… he was always at the other woman’s house (rubber woman). That was what my mom called the “other” woman (She Yong po) in cantonese. I think it was because the “other” woman used to work at a rubber plant/factory. It’s really ironic .. coz’ my mom almost always blame it on rubber woman.. for my father’s disappearance but never him. I sometimes wonder.. coz’ even during my teenage years… my dad never talked about it… i mean the disappearance.
My dad’s figure was a fearsome one… i remember my dad as a man.. who would come home once a year and cane us.. when we get our report cards (that was when we donch do well in school). My dad would come home a couple of times during the year.. and everytime he does that.. we would all shackled up in our tiny bedroom.. all 4 of us.. and not make one noise… not a peep.. absolutely not one peep.. no tv.. not nothing for the nite..
We were even afraid to come outta our room to use the washroom. My dad would wanna eat porridge and luncheon meat.. when he was home. He never brought us presents.. he never read a book with us… he never do anything with us .. period. I remember my dad as an oily looking fella.. who is a chain smoker.. and hangs around.. Jalan Besah Hawker Center every evening.. because “Rubber woman” works there. And i never love my dad ever .. nor felt any affection for him… even acknowledging him.. was a huge effort on my part. For the longest time.. when i was younger.. i hated my dad.. for abandoning us…… for being a tyrant figure…… for not being there for any event in our life. I hated my dad for his detached behaviour towards me.. and my mom.. my brothers and sister. I hated my dad .. for being a real asshole and a jerkhead. For the life of me.. i cannot understand.. why ..would my dad not take care of us.. like my friends dad..??? How could the father of his children.. not even wanna carry them..?? play with them..?? teach them..?? be proud of them…????
My spouse.. Chloe’s daddy.. is always amused with Chloe.. be it.. when she imitates him.. or when she does funny stuff. Chloe’s daddy got all sorts of names for Chloe.. “brat, poopie, monster, sweetie” and other terms of endearment.
I see my spouse.. Chloe’s daddy bathing Chloe when she was first born… everytime.. coz’ I was afraid .. that i might hurt Chloe. I see Chloe’s daddy washing her head.. when she was first born, it wasn’t even me who washed her head first… nor change her poopie.. or diapers… it was Chloe’s daddy who did that..
Chloe’s daddy is the one who buckle her up.. when she is in the car…. and make sure.. that the stroller.. or shopping card is comfy for her … and is always the one who carries her from the house into the car.. or the car into the mall.. or anywhere.
When Chloe wakes up in the middle of the nite.. cranking right up… Chloe’s daddy doesn’t use a pillow and tries to shut her up… like what her maternal grandfather did. My spouse.. Chloe’s daddy would never think of doing such a hideous/morbid thing. And when i get mad with Chloe for cranking up.. Chloe’s daddy would say.. “give her to me.. hon… donch get mad with her.. she just threw up”. Chloe’s daddy makes sure.. that she gets the enough food .. the pantry must be filled with Chloe’s food.. and extra diapers… and wipes.. and formula. Chloe’s dad makes the milk for her.. feed her.. put her to bed….. comb her hair. Put her socks and shoes on for her. I cannot remember my dad doing anything like that for me.. or my siblings.
I’ve never.. and i mean
NEVER hug my dad before……… ironic isn’t it.. ????!!??? Very ironic…!!! My dad has never given me or my siblings an “ang pow” during Chinese New Year. His non-existence in my life…. had left an emptiness in my heart….. while my schoolmates.. and friends.. talk or boast about their daddy/dad/papa/father ……. i only make up stories …. and daydream… about mine… i can only play pretend for the longest time during my childhood.
I see Chloe’s daddy wanting the best for her.. to the extend.. where he would take turns with me… to look after Chloe.. while one of us.. go man the business…. but my dad.. had never taken a picture with me nor had he taken time.. to bring me or my siblings to a studio to take a family picture.
The difference between Chloe’s daddy .. and my dad.. is so vast…. so huge.. that nothing is close to comparison with these two men in my life. Fortunately, Chloe will not know or come close to knowing her maternal grandfather, for to me.. he was no longer in my life for a long, long time.
I asked myself.. these questions .. many a times.. about how a dad .. can literally not care for his own.. his own flesh and blood..??? not wanna carry them.. play with them…. feel proud for them.. and be there for them.. when they are happy.. when they fall.. when they cry.. or when they are just being his children..??? I do not have the answer to it…. but am only too happy to know.. that Chloe’s daddy will never be the way my dad was .. to me.. and my siblings.
I thank God everyday…. knowing that my spouse will be a good daddy to Chloe… i count my blessings everyday for i cannot ask for someone better to be Chloe’s dad.
chicken.. potatoes.. and carrots.. 
